Just a Little Scare

So, now that we've let everyone know that we are expecting, let me give you a little update as to what has been happening to us since we decided to embark on this little adventure we call pregnancy. We all know the history of how we were stationed with the Coast Guard in Puerto Rico and there was not adequate medical care to handle my diabetes and a pregnancy there so I was shipped off to my parents home for both pregnancies while Sean stayed in Puerto Rico, visiting when he could. This was not optimal but it made it possible for us to have two beautiful, healthy babies which was what we were after. This time around, we figured that since we were stateside, it would be smooth sailing and that especially since we were back East, it would be really easy to find an OB and an Endocrinologist (diabetic doc) who we felt comfortable and confident in like we did there in Utah. But, oh no. This has not been the case! After a very frustrating, emotional first 10 weeks of me being emotionally battered (okay, that might seem a little drastic) because of my choice to have a (GASP!!!!) third child, we decided that we were going to look elsewhere for an OB who used modern technology and who didn't use archaic ideas of how to treat a diabetic pregnancy that were from 20 years ago. After much searching (and lots of praying for me to humble myself and realize that I can't have the perfect team like I did there in Utah) we were able to get into an OB yesterday whom I love! He is so laid back and figures that his specialty is delivering babies and not diabetes and that is why I was employing an endo to help me in this journey. We were so pleased with his happy personality and willingness to listen to me and that he realized that I really did know a thing or two about being a pregnant diabetic. So, we go into the exam room and he wants to check the heartbeat using a doppler that allows us to hear it. Well, after about 5 minutes, he couldn't find the heartbeat. Let me tell you, he searched hard, going all over my belly and while doing that, he was quietly reassuring me that this happened all the time but I could see the look of concern start to come over his face. I was beginning to cry and feel like I had failed and a million thoughts started racing through my mind about how at the beginning of the pregnancy, I had told Heavenly Father that I couldn't do this again and to please take the baby back. How selfish could I have been! Out of sheer frustration with the doctor situation and my irritation at trying to figure out how I was going to logistically get to all those appointments that were being scheduled and take care of Abby and Jaxon at the same time, I had pleaded with the Lord to please just allow me to miscarry. As I think about it now, I am shocked that I could have had those thoughts. But as I was laying there on that table, crying because what I had asked for was potentially happening, I was devastated and angry at myself. As the doctor left the room to go and get the ultrasound machine, my sweet husband leaned over and took my hand and whispered that it was all going to be okay, that the Lord may have just needed us to get pregnant so this sweet little spirit could gain its body and that was all it needed--nothing more. It is so hard when you know that this is the Plan--it doesn't make it any easier. But to have my husband remind me of that and know that he was just as scared as I was, it made it easier to cope with the potential outcome of the ultrasound. The doctor came in and started the ultrasound and to our surprise and relief, there was our sweet little baby, waving to us with a very strong heartbeat. It had been hiding behind the placenta which was in an anterior (frontal) position which made it so we couldn't find the heartbeat. We couldn't find out the sex of the baby but to see it there and know that it was just fine, it made us both very grateful for the knowledge that we have of the Plan of Salvation and that no matter what happens during this pregnancy, we will be grateful for the opportunity that we've been given to help this little spirit accomplish whatever it's mission on this Earth is.